


The Boosh Movie (version 1.1)

by VoodooHedgehog



Category: The Mighty Boosh (TV), The Mighty Boosh RPF
Genre: Gen, fake movie, movie outline
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-06
Updated: 2016-05-06
Packaged: 2018-06-06 16:55:25
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,751
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6762346
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/VoodooHedgehog/pseuds/VoodooHedgehog
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The movie they might make (but probably not).  Summarized loosely by scene, with soundtrack suggestions.  Unbetaed, un brit-picked, and possibly insane.  Enjoy.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Boosh Movie (version 1.1)

**Author's Note:**

> Version 1.1 - Added couple of minor missing sentences/words, mostly in the Caveman section.

Scene 0 -- (pre-credits) A Walk  (Song: Likely Lads by the Libertines)  (Opening Song by the Boosh Band) (Reference Song: Satori Swing)

London.  A gray, drab scene.  Noel gets ready to leave his house, and spends time choosing just the right coat and petting his cat, who almost gets stuck in the coat closet.  Julian also puts down a book on his coffee table, paces through the kitchen where his kids are fooling around with pots and pans, and calls out “See you later!” to Julia.  Noel and Julian are walking on the street, discussing the creative output they are being forced into by all the relentless media hype.  They attempt to improv/workshop a few characters and scenes, and half-heartedly try to get their creative juices flowing, but everything just seems to fall flat.  After a pause, Julian comments that this going to be the worst Boosh project anyone has ever seen… and then…

OPENING TITLES. Credits – psychedelic and jazzy. A transparent overlay, we can still see the two of them walking into the letters.  Various artsy cuts back and forth.

Scene 1 -- Noel and Lliana’s Living Room

Comfortable living area with skylights, modern décor.  Dozens of people sit in various mismatched chairs and on sofas, looking uncomfortable and muttering:  Julian Barratt, Richard Ayoade, Julia Davis, Lliana Bird, Matt Berry, Dave Brown, and Russell Brand, as well as several other artists/media/celebrities of various stripes.  Noel thanks them all for waiting and informs them that he has gathered them all for a reason (in Ceruvial Brooks voice).  Each has a different guess as to why, and the chaos and noise gradually increase.  Matt guesses confidently that the Mighty Boosh has been picked up by a major US film studio.  Dave Brown suspects some kind of intervention, and starts trying to guess which one of the guests is the drug user or alcoholic in question.  Russell Brand guesses the two of them are coming out as gay, together, and is ready to support them no matter what.  Julia interrupts Russell and explains assertively that Noel and Julian are trying to figure out their next project, and have hit a creative wall, and are in need of a good group brainstorming session.

In the course of the discussion as to what sort of projects to tackle, (and right in the middle of Ayoade’s lengthy filmic proposal and Brand’s continued rant about the varieties of sexual self-expression) Noel realizes that his brother Mike is late.  Very late.  In fact, Mike never shows up at all.

Scene 2 -- Julian’s car

Noel and Julian are driving to look for Mike at his last known location, living with his girlfriend Tara in Holborn.  In the car, Noel keeps taking his jacket off and putting it back on again, and checking his phone for text replies from his brother.  He also slips into various character voices.  Julian tries to drive the speed limit and calm Noel down by taking on the character of Choco (a huge, moronic creature incapable of driving.)   Noel plays “straight man” to Choco.  The two of them are obviously enjoying themselves during this improv bit, and smile for the first time in the film.  Julian switches character to Howard, and brags that he loves driving – “I love the feel of the open road, and the smooth confidence you get from being behind the wheel”.  Howard’s speech is cut short by some sticky freeway traffic, and Julian is about to break character, but Noel interrupts him with some poetic line.  They spontaneously recite a driving-themed crimp “Traffic Jam”, ended by the horn on the car sounding, stuck for no apparent reason.

Scene 3 -- Mike & Tara’s Flat   (song: Evil Woman by ELO)

The door opens and closes, and you can hear faintly the sound of the car horn.  Finding the door unlocked, Julian sneaks in, just like he’s seen in cop movies.  Noel saunters in.  The two of them simultaneously remove their cool sunglasses – and are immediately taken aback by the odd accoutrements they find – bells, crystals, half-melted black candles, etc.  They move some stuff and find a large pentagram painted on the floor, encircled by green and red words…they appear to be names in another language.  Noel finds a pamphlet from the “Church of the Golden Dawn” on the end table, with a new address written in under the old one, and immediately starts typing in the address in his phone.  Julian suggests Mike might just be DJing somewhere, and has simply forgotten.  Noel theorizes what horrible evil could have taken Mike away, and implies that Mike has fallen for a black sorceress of some kind, but is distracted by a little green parrot which lands on his shoulder and clings for dear life, squawking.  Julian says the parrot needs to be cared for properly, and Noel carries the bird out on his hand, talking to it softly.

Scene 4 -- Church of the Golden Dawn

Noel and Julian and the green parrot look in the windows of the church and are evidently right in the middle of some type of service.  The congregation appears to be normal churchgoers but they are all chanting in perfect unison and staring adoringly at the man on the podium dressed all in black. (Black Preacher is actually Matt Berry).  Noel pretends he’s Vince Noir and comments on the Preacher’s trendsetting fashion choices.  After the service is over, Noel and Julian flounder a bit in the parking lot, wondering about next steps, but are suddenly captured by having black hoods pulled over their heads by dark figures.  Noel says something snarky, and one of the figures bashes him over the head with a club.

Scene 5 -- Flashback   (A Young Noel/Vince and Mike/Naboo)

Inside Noels’ Head: Flashback to years earlier.  Noel confronts Mike about his dabbling in witchcraft.  Noel laughs and pokes fun at him, saying there’s no such thing as spells, and scalds his cheek with a hot teaspoon.  Mike is completely deadpan and does not respond, but scene cuts to him doing a ritual at an altar with common household items.  He speaks in a tongue we do not recognize, but he holds up a voodoo doll of Noel and makes the doll carry a symbolic little bag.  He smiles.  Cut to various scenes of Noel unhappily taking out the garbage for his Mum. (Diane Fielding makes a cameo appearance here)

Scene 6 -- Cult HQ 

They wake up in a locked room with images of ancient demons and a general feeling of creepiness.  The visuals imply that the church is a cult that blends Egyptian/Satanic/Scientology.  Highest levels report to Phetans, which are pictured as huge red bug-like monsters on the walls.  (Practically everything in the temple is borrowed old Doctor Who props and scenery.)  Oddly, there are Abba posters and albums scattered around as well.  They find some writings, and Julian reads them aloud, revealing that the cult is readying themselves for the return of the Phetans.  

Scene 7 –- Black Preacher (song: Mystic Monks by the Boosh Band) (reference song: Pyramid Twist by White Blacula)

The Black Preacher (Matt Berry) enters with a crack of thunder and a flash of lighting, and gives a threatening speech, ending with: “The Secrets of the Church must be kept!!!!  And unless you join us in our initiation ritual, how do we know you will keep those Secrets?”  Julian, in Howard mode, takes a step in front of Noel, and challenges him back to a fair, man-to-man fight.  The imposing, shadowy high priest just laughs him off.  Then Noel, behaving like Vince, compliments him on how good he looks in black, and the distraction is just long enough for Julian/Howard to dash past him through the door he just opened.  The Black Preacher spins to grab the escapee, but his hand moves past the two of them now scrambling down the hallway.

Scene 8 –- Down Below

The two of them tear through the old Doctor Who corridor being chased by an angry Preacher, who is joined by a few black-robed cultists.  They find an empty, cobwebby room, and Julian/Howard suddenly pushes Noel/Vince into some kind of walk-in closet, and then in a combination of cowardice and panic, joins him and closes the door.  They hear the pursuers’ footsteps come and go, evidently continuing down the hallway.  In the utter blackness, only their eyes are visible (animated) as they have a conversation about which one of them is really afraid, and which one of them is pretending.  They shut up and listen, hearing only silence now.  Some small lights come on.  They are shocked to find that they are actually in an elevator, which is definitely plummeting down an infinite number of negative floors, as shown by the lit panel covered in numbers which go all the way down past negative 1000.  The elevator plummets quickly as they scream.

Scene 9 -– The Hidden Earth  (Reference Song: The Journey Overture by Rick Wakeman)

The doors open on the lowest floor, and the two stumble out.  Slamming shut, the doors now refuse to open no matter how many times Howard presses the “up” button.  Vince and Howard are forced to explore the cave world, still looking for Naboo.  (This interior looks very close to the setting for “Journey to the Center of the Earth”)  They come across tree-high mushrooms, and giant (blue-screened) gila monsters that Howard identifies as some kind of prehistoric dinosaur.  Somehow Vince is now wearing violet skinnies and a flowing white blouse which is torn at the sleeves.

Scene 10 -– Cave People  (Reference Song: Invention of Music from the movie “Caveman”)

Vince and Howard meet the denizens of the Cave World, who are pallid, shabbily-dressed cavemen with massive headgear fashioned from spiderwebbing. (Noel Fielding, Rich Fulcher, Julian Barratt)  Rich Fulcher is their leader and sounds weirdly like James Mason with an abbreviated vocabulary.   The two of them attempt to carry on a reasonable dialogue with the cavemen to find  Naboo.  Unfortunately the cavemen are distracted by their smooth clothes and Vince’s puffy hair.   They ask far too many questions about what foods and clothing are in the upper world, and one of the Cavemen says, "soft hair like our Woman".  Howard gets impatient, and gets the Leader to promise to show them “their woman”.   Vince and Howard shrug and assume they thought Naboo was mistaken as some kind of little girl, and hopefully start following the group.  We then meet Tara in a spiderweb hammock, who recognizes them immediately and introduces herself as Naboo/Mike’s girlfriend.  They size her up briefly, and Howard comments that she doesn’t look “evil” or “witchy” at all, like they expected.  Tara reveals that Naboo has been changed temporarily into bird form and can’t be a human again without some stuff back at the flat.  Vince says “Imagine That!” and attempts to hug the little green bird, which makes it squawk and flutter off his shoulder.  Naboo the bird flies straight for Tara’s waiting hand.  Howard is taken aback by the ironic situation they have found themselves in, and indulges in some dramatic exposition – “Indeed, we were searching for something that was with us, all along…”

Scene 11 –- Take the Stairs  (Song: Running up that Hill by Kate Bush)

After saying goodbye to the cave men, promising them to send down Jaffa cakes and a Cheekbone subscription, Tara points to a sign they somehow missed “Exit- Stairs” and they all follow, walking up an absolutely tortuous amount of flights.  (partly animated, some it it filmed on location at the more complex Tube exchanges). Howard can’t hack it and is ridiculously exhausted by the end, but Vince and Tara emerge unfazed.  Back in the temple annex, they happen to find several large paintball guns, helmets and gear.

Scene 12 –- Let Loose the Dogs of War (Song: Sure Shot by the Beastie Boys)

Tara, Vince, and Howard are now dressed in paintball gear, but Vince’s is somehow more fashionably cut, and he does not wear the helmet.  He claims he’s using it to carry little Naboo to protect him.  They decide to take the offensive and fight their way to an escape.  They confront the Black Preacher (Matt Berry), and are unfortunately surrounded by cultists and Phetans in the nave beneath an abstract stained glass window.  Tara fearlessly jumps through the stained glass and it shatters everywhere.  They run around the side of the building to hear dogs barking.  Vince talks them all into shutting up which he picks the lock on their kennel door, and he frees them all.  The dogs tear back into the now-accessible temple, scattering past the cowering cultists and going straight for the tall red Phetans, who exit straight out the front door in a line.

Scene 13 –- The Phetan’s Treehouse

The Phetans run into a deep forest under a full moon.  One of them starts to run on all fours, and is corrected sternly by the leader to run standing up.  They outpace the frantically barking dogs.  What we think is their spaceship is actually just a huge painted draped cover, which is pulled down to reveal a fanciful wooden treehouse.  It is built atop a very tall tree, and after the Phetan leader pushes a button, the tree starts growing even taller.  They all climb into the treehouse before it starts to disappear into the sky.  The dogs gather under the rising treehouse, barking maniacally.

Scene 14 –- Julian’s Car, Revisited  (Song: Highway Star by Deep Purple)

It’s late, so they all quickly find Julian/Howard’s car, which is strangely the only one left in the church parking lot.  They hustle in and get moving, but the horn sticks again.  Julian/Howard yells at the dashboard in frustration, and jams his hand against the horn to unstick it.  The car lurches to the right, barely missing another vehicle, and ignores any attempt to re-steer.  The three of them scream as Julian/Howard releases the wheel and lets the car drive itself happily (the horn stops).  Julian/Howard breathes, in terror, the address to Mike’s Flat in Holborn, while stiffly shifting aside to make room for a top-hatted, ghostly figure (Noel Fielding) to coalesce behind the wheel.  The radio comes on to Deep Purple’s “Highway Star” and the camera follows them through a brief montage of the haunted car deftly avoiding traffic by hovering through the air and being driven by a manically cackling ghost.  The Ghost boots them out of the car onto their kerb, barely slowing down to scream “You love it, you slags!”

Scene 15 -- Naboo/Mike’s flat.  The Spell is Broken

Howard, Vince, and Tara stumble into the flat.  Tara and the parrot enter the circle, and she grabs a green magic wand chants a few words. They accuse her of changing Naboo using her own sorcery, but she protests explaining that any idiot could have just read the instructions.  (Comically obvious instructions are shown covering the entire tabletop behind the wand display.) The bird magically transforms back into Naboo, who, in his usual deadpan -- says he got the messages on his phone and, as it just so happens, has the perfect solution for creative block.  He reveals the location of something called the “Creative Juice” in a treehouse.  Vince and Howard take off immediately for the treehouse, on foot.

Scene 16 -- Ups and Downs

They arrive in a field nearby where they spot the Phetan treehouse, which is now even higher up in the sky.  They have lots of trouble climbing the tree, which is stretching and growing as they climb into the clouds.  The tree continues growing up into black space and they are surrounded by stars. Howard makes it up first, but gets ambushed in the treehouse by the Phetans while looking for the Creative Juice.  Vince, who has held back because the spangly heeled boots he is wearing are totally unfit for climbing anything, is left on the front porch.  Howard complains over his shoulder out the window as he enters the room, looking around desperately for the potion – but is horrified as he notices Vince falling backward off the edge of the small step, plummeting into blackness toward the distant blue earth.

Scene 17 -- Personal Rocket

Luckily, Vince lands on a convenient inflatable demonstration pad at a rocketship research facility, and does a johnny flip or two.  An old man with impossibly thick glasses and a giant white afro approaches, complimenting him on his obvious luck.  He introduces himself as Professor Nimrod  (played by Richard Ayoade) who explains they are working on an individual orbital transport device (Vince replies, you mean a personal rocket?  Genius!) and asks him if he’d like to be a test pilot.

Scene 18 -- What a Way to Go  (Song: Supertrooper/Abba)  (Song: What a Way to Go by Julian Barratt (no reference))

In the Treehouse, the Aliens are creepy, hulking masses with glowing eyes, peering from within red exoskeletons.  One finally raises its helmet and reveals a squirrel inside.  The Phetans (Squirrels, basically riding around in tricked-out alien power suits) pelt Howard with peanuts, hazelnuts, and finally brazil nuts, which actually do hurt.  They laugh at him in tiny squirrel voices.  The chief Phetan gets a phone call on a soup can, answers it, and announces that the fourth member of Abba, Frida, has finally been secured and they can all leave for their home planet.  He is finally duct-taped to a wall, and left alone, as the aliens depart casually grooving around without their helmets on and playing “Super Trouper” really loudly on a boombox.   Bright lights pour into the windows of the treehouse as the deep hum of a spaceship gets louder, then softer as the lights dim.  Howard mourns the loss of his friend, his poor luck and considers himself doomed, since even if anyone could find him, it will be a long, nasty business of peeling away tape which will surely take his hair and skin with it.  He sings a lovely song of misery and loneliness.

Scene 19 –- Space Man   (Song: Apollo 9 by Adam Ant)

Vince’s rocketship is a monument to what can be achieved with Styrofoam and silver spray paint.  It’s obvious that little of the SFX budget has been spent here, and Vince breaks the fourth wall to acknowledge this fact with the audience.  He sees the treehouse through the porthole. (set-in animated bit here, with an animated Howard sticking his head out the window and saying “Don’t kill me!  I’ve got so much to give!” in a crude word bubble.  Meanwhile, the animated versions of the Phetans, which seem to be mostly masses of collaged red duct tape and electrical tape, leave in their own small peanut-shaped space ship, with all four caricatured members of Abba in tow.)  This could be dangerous, thinks Vince.  But it looks like fun.  He carefully puts on an extra large space helmet so as not to muss his hair.

Scene 20 -- The Rescue --  (Song: Star-Dappled Galaxy by the Boosh Band)  (Reference Song: Spacewalk by Urban Myth Club)

Vince carefully leaves the spaceship in his ultra-fashionable golden space suit and does an incredibly artistic, slow, sexy space walk to the stranded treehouse.  (actual special effects money spent here, to make this a beautiful music video.)  His hair looks amazing in zero gee, and fills the helmet beautifully.  When he arrives at the treehouse, he continues to walk very slowly as if there is no gravity.  Howard is duct- and electrical-taped to the wall behind him, and plaintively calls to Vince to come and free him.  Vince slowly turns, then suddenly accepts normal gravity rules and strolls casually over to cut him free with his always-handy, super-sharp hairtrimming scissors.  Dave Brown, in a Mr. Peanut nutcracker costume, rises up to help, but they both put him off, saying “Not you, novelty nutcracker!”  Anyway, it’s easy and takes just a second, and Howard staggers forward away from the wall.  Suddenly, Vince’s smartphone beeps. Somewhere, some paparazzi have gotten photos of Vince in a spacesuit and social media has gone viral, praising Vince Noir as the Most Fashionable Astronaut of the Year.

Scene 21 -- The Creative Juice

Noel/Vince and Julian/Howard (who looks awful, still partially covered with tape, and partly bruised/hairless) get the Creative Juice and hold it aloft proudly.  Uncorking the bottle, they find it is a smelly, bubbling, bright purple liquid.  Cut to scene: blending purple smoothies at Noel’s kitchen.  Happily, adding bananas covers up the stench nicely. They do the “Smoothie Crimp” together.  Which fades directly into:

Scene 22 -- Patchwork Moose  (Song: The Patchwork Moose Show Theme by the Boosh Band.)  (Reference Songs: Spaceship Adventure by the Killers, and The Noisy Freaks/Freaks Orchestra)

On a kid’s tv show (like Sesame Street/Yo Gabba Gabba), Bollo, a gorilla (Dave Brown in a costume) sings a simplified version of the Smoothie Crimp with various talking fruits and vegetables.

Credits start to roll over/the end of the Patchwork Moose show, to the Show Theme.  Various short bits play us out, recapturing scenes from the movie in puppet/costumed format, including a Music segment where the Band “Space Nuts” (all squirrels in studded red leather) rocks out to a tune about Space.  All previous actors/characters show up dancing, and are credited in turn. 

ROLL CREDITS

Post-Credits  (Song: I’m Sticking with You by Velvet Underground)

Outtakes.  They include bits falling off the Personal Rocket/Noel giggling, Matt Berry flirting with crew, Rich Fulcher touching himself inappropriately, Russell Brand’s off-script ranting, Julian saying random things backstage as Choco, Noel snoozing in the back of the haunted car, Julian’s headphones falling off while recording in a sound studio, and Noel showing off just some of “Vince’s” unrelated-to-the-plot, yet constant costume changes that were unfortunately edited out of the final film.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

NOTE: The transformation from Noel/Julian/Mike into their Boosh Counterparts, Vince/Howard/Naboo, is never addressed or explained, but happens gradually throughout the first 30 minutes of the film.  When Noel is 100% Vince, his costumes change from scene to scene, again with no apparent logic.

VISUAL NOTE:  The first few scenes of the film are practically in black and white.  Gradually more color is added.  There is a lot of animation and color in the last third.

“Reference” songs and Actual songs can be heard on my YouTube playlist: <https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLKneay8sTWNiDswM7jQ67H_b2r1LJSFrJ>

The rest is up to the Boosh.  WE ARE WAITING, GUYS!

 


End file.
